Jokes from Mom: A Lesson In Marketing.

A Lesson In Marketing

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Well, here it is:

  • You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Direct Marketing.
  • You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." - That's Advertising.
  • You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Telemarketing.
  • You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Public Relations.
  • You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." - That's Brand Recognition.
  • You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. - That's a Sales Rep.
  • Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. - That's Tech Support.
  • You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" - That's Facebook.
  • You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass. - That's former President Bill Clinton.

I hope you enjoyed it!

Jokes from Mom: Ambiguity & Idiosyncrasies.

My mom from time to time forwards me jokes. Below is one that I found funnier than the average.

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

  1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
  2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
  3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
  4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
  5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
  6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
  7. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
  8. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
  9. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
  10. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
  11. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
  12. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
  13. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
  14. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
  15. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
  16. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
  17. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
  18. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
  19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
  20. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
  21. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (This one took me a minute)
  22. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
  23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
  24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
  25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
  26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
  27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
  28. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
  29. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
  30. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
  31. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
  32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
  33. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

Hope you enjoyed this!

Jokes from Mom.

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words.

In a recently held linguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Trinidadian
man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was:
How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED, and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!

He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old RUM.

Jokes from mom

My mom forwards me jokes and most of them are what you expect them to be - the fifth go around. But invariably there are the little gems that I enjoy receiving in my inbox.
It dawned on me that instead of contributing to the chain I would start sharing them here.

A TOUCHING LOVE STORY...

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."